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How much does Chemistry Matter? – Married At First Sight
Last year a show caught my eye, because of how outrageous it seemed. I couldn’t help myself. Amazingly I found the show fascinating. The premise is that 4 experts, a psychologist, sexologist, spiritual advisor and a sociologist created a social experiment to match single couples for marriage.
The people who apply, this season there were 7,000, are put through a series of tests that match compatibilities. Three couples are chosen to undergo this social experiment. They consent to allowing the experts to match them with someone they will marry. The catch is this: the contestants do not meet one another until the wedding day. The first time they see each other, and speak to each other is when they are before a magistrate to recite their vows. These couples go on a honeymoon, and move in together. At the end of 6 weeks they can choose to get a divorce or stay married.
In the first season, of the 3 couples who married, two are still married, and one couple divorced. What is most interesting to me is that the couple who had the most physical chemistry, and slept together the first night of the marriage, was the couple who got divorced.
Conversely, the woman in another couple was practically repulsed by her husband’s physical appearance. She was not attracted to him one bit. On the wedding day she was crying, and feeling she had made the worst mistake of her life. Literally within a few weeks’ time, she began to really appreciate his kindness, and the patience and the sensitivity he had toward her. She grew to want him physically, and began to find him physically appealing. He made her feel so safe and honored she fell in love. He gave her what she needed. If left to her own devices she would likely still be single.
In the 2nd season, a similar dynamic is occurring with the 3 couples. There is one couple who slept together on the wedding night. They are the couple who is starting to have problems right away. The two couples who have not yet slept together are getting along well.
Like last season there is one couple where the woman was not the least bit attracted to her husband. Within a couple weeks’ time she began to see what a tremendous person her husband is, and experience what it feels like to be treated wonderfully by someone real. Attraction has begun to grow for her. She has started to recognize a lot of walls she puts up, and how afraid she has been to truly let anyone in. Her hyper focus on appearance and what her partner “should” look like is really nothing more than a wall to letting someone in. She is now turning her attention to herself to learn how to open up and stay open.
I share this program with you for a couple of reasons. First, the experts come on throughout the show to comment on the struggles or challenges couples have. They offer a lot of solid and grounded wisdom about relationship building. It’s given in a way I have never seen on television. I feel this is a good teaching tool for people looking for love, or in a relationship trying to create more depth.
Second, I have been teaching the LOVE CLASS for over 3 years. I think men and women put far too much emphasis on physical appearance. We can trip ourselves up. Often it is a mask for putting up walls to love, because we are afraid to be vulnerable. There are many ways chemistry can grow and physical attraction can develop. It is through legitimate connection. We can connect physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Any combination will generate chemistry and physical attraction.
As with the cases on Married at First Sight, the women who were not attracted to their partners both had big walls up in general in their lives. They were both control freaks, and had to have everything their way to feel safe. As their partner showed them patience and consideration, and made them feel safe, bit by bit the walls came down. Both women were able to see the true beauty of their partner and physical attractiveness grew for them.
I ask all my clients who are “appearance” sensitive to look into their own hearts to understand why they aren’t attracted to the “nice” guy” or the “nice girl.” Why do they put so much emphasis on physical appearance? I suggest to everyone reading this that hyper focus on physicality is a wall. It can be an impediment to finding and receiving love. We have to honor love where it is.
This does not mean we have to be with a person who has terrible hygiene or is in capable of tying their shoes. It means that many elements drive attraction. If we are looking for a “spark” on the first date, and it doesn’t happen, that doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t a match. What is clear from the work in this social experiment, and from the work I have been doing over the years is that compatibility, like values, and kindness are what cause couples to truly fall in love.
For instance, one couple on the show both had been bullied as children. Both of them ended up in the medical profession. One person had been on her own most of her life. She never had anyone to take care of her. Her partner was really good at showing up for people he loved. They both had a core understanding of overcoming hardship. The man had offered a key ingredient of supportiveness to the woman. These types of complementary characteristics helped them match with one another.
The women who were so scared of being vulnerable were matched with men who are very patient, consistent and see the big picture. They could wait it out while their partner found their safety zone, allowing them to open up and receive.
In conclusion, if you are looking for real love, you have to give it time. You have to learn who your partner is. I encourage my women clients to meet a man at least 3 times before making a decision to date or not to date. Until you have spent some time with a person you may not know if chemistry and attraction can grow. As listed above, there is more than one element that causes chemistry to emerge besides physical appearance.
If you are interested, Married at First Sight airs on Tuesday evenings.
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